Missing Things

My husband was missing his "Starbucks" Frapps that he used to get.  About a week in from giving them up for 90 days, he realized just how awful they had made him feel - but he was addicted and didn't know it!  He says - never again, it's not worth it.  Now instead, I can make him a mock-frapp with this "dandy" - which is GF and "like" coffee without the bad aspects.  I can use homemade coconut milk or almond milk and some organic chocolate, a banana and ice - and voila!  Much better for him than the excitotoxin  frapps from Starbucks!  He's not missing them any more...

My husband was missing his “Starbucks” frapps that he used to get. About a week in from giving them up for 90 days, he realized just how awful they had made him feel – but he was addicted and didn’t know it! He says – never again, it’s not worth it. Now instead, I can make him a mock-frapp with this “dandy” – which is GF and “like” coffee without the bad aspects. I can use homemade coconut milk or almond milk and some organic chocolate, a banana and ice – and voila! Much better for him than the excitotoxin frapps from Starbucks! He’s not missing them any more…

Counting 1000 gifts is no small task!  I’ve chosen to break it down into bite sized pieces…  just 10 a day.  (Here is why)

So, at the end of the day… I take a moment and recall 10 things that stood out from my day… that I’m grateful for, the blessings.

They can be big or small, simple or complex… but 10 things on my heart.

I’m over a hundred things I’m grateful for, and enjoying the counting process…  it slows me down, but gives me more time… it lightens my heart, and gives me perspective.  It brings me peace.  contentment.  joy.

What things matter in my life?

What things do I count… ALL joy?

What do I truly value?

Someone told me this week, “I was telling my husband about how you can only have 12 foods or something…”

“Twelve foods?” I thought.

That really isn’t true.  I suppose any more I don’t really “miss” most foods I can’t have – I don’t really think of myself as deprived… it’s just a given, this it what it takes to keep me well.

This is what it’s going to take, and I don’t know how long it’s going to take…

Each day is a gift, I count all joy.  A gift from God who led me to understand the “what” of why I was sick… and a way to be well.

But more than me ever missing food, I sometimes grieve things I’ve noticed are “missing” since getting sick.  Some of them left quickly, others gradually … faded away.   Unknowingly changing and then, just seemingly – Gone.

Some I might have assumed were just from “mommy brain” over the years my memory slipping a bit… or others I’ve just assumed I was out of practice on this or that…  but now, knowing what I know… 

That’s not the truth.

Saturday a friend and I were talking.  She asked me the names of the players on my child’s soccer team.  One… and then another… and then another.  I stumbled, stammered, and for the life of me… could NOT remember their names.  Not a one.  Even though I KNOW that I knew them.

Things like this happen frequently to me.

It’s not like an, “Oh I can’t remember this second…” type of things… these are things I totally know – but I just simply can’t recall – even the slightest bit of information and it never comes to me on my own.

It’s embarrassing… and frustrating.  Would it be sad to say I’m starting to get used to it?  If my husband is with me, he helps me – which is nice.  It breaks the silence of, “I’m sorry, there is a blank where that information should be!”

I’m not sure when it will come back… if it does… ever.

Another thing is my penmanship.  It was getting worse over the years.  I was assuming it was lack of practice?

Looking through some old letters this summer I was in awe at my lovely writing and neat letters from college, even 10 years ago.  Slowly it’s deteriorated…

Some days it just hurts to even hold a pen – but I do it and those days, it’s REALLY bad.  On a good day, I remember how I used to make it work – but on a bad day I’m simply embarrassed that “THIS” is my writing.

Sloppy.  Difficult to read.

Lastly, one of the things I miss is ability to recall Scripture the way I used to.  It’s been something I’ve been relearning and working on this year, but again – I’m unsure if I will get that memory and those skill back.  Earlier this summer a friend called and wanted to read a letter to me.  It was one I had written to her, encouraging her during a time of trouble.

I literally broke into tears.

“I wrote that?”  I asked.  I was simply in disbelief that I had the knowledge to encourage so powerfully from the Bible… and how deep my knowledge had been back then.  I was on fire.  More than anything, it made me realize just where I am now, comparatively.

It made me frustrated.  Wondering…  will I get that back?

All of these things, and more have been hindered from auto immune disease.  My body simply attacking itself from food or toxins in my system that it views as the enemy.  Any given trigger can start-up a reaction that can last for days to weeks to up to 3-6 months and many flares in my brain I will have no clue are occurring because there are no pain receptors there.

This is why “cheats” (or choices) or mistakes can be so devastating to my future health.

Does that mean I live in fear of what my future holds?

No way.  Not a chance.

Do I really count it all joy?  Even the things I’m missing?

I should. 

Maybe some day I won’t even know what I’m missing. 😉

I live in faith with an assurance that this has all happened for a reason, and that MY God isn’t going to leave me.  No.  In fact, He has prepared me for this walk that is my life, and He is drawing me closer to Himself through it.  Plus, He specifically tells me NOT to fear.  It gives me great peace to know I’m not alone, and not without a purpose.

Yes, on the days you would NEVER choose for yourself.  The really hard ones?  Trust God.  He is not shaken.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. 

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,  

though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.”

Psalm 46:1-4

Posted on October 28, 2013, in Auto Immune Disease, Celiac/Gluten Sensitivity, Our Struggles and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Thank you for sharing your heart and reflections, Sara. Moving words. Sending love always.

  2. Thanks Mandy. Two I forgot? Balance and strength. My balance is horrid (but I’m working on it!), and my husband can sort of tease me – but with it’s still quite embarrassing. I also hate that it takes me two arms to attempt to hold something that used to take me one. I continue to pray that nerve regeneration, and less “mistakes” help me rebuild and keep my strength going by lifting heavy things often and work on my balance through yoga and core work. 🙂

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